Voice inside my head

Before I even knew it had happened, I looked back and saw that this blog was over three years old. More tha 600 posts on here have charted my move from Warsaw to Paris, Paris back to Warsaw, Warsaw back to England and the present move from home to Budapest. Maybe I have become a little jaded.When you have the fabulous opportunities that I have had to experience some of the worlds best cities, the shine can wear off. Life in a city can be tough and I think that some of my resiliency has been left behind in one of the moves.

Every wierd or lonely feeling that I have, I tend to attribute to a place 'not being right'. The reality is that these feelings of displacement tend to run a lot deeper. Now that I have fulfilled the intense desire that was in me for years to live and work overseas, I find that the space left by the absence of desire is filled by a huge pile of 'what now?'.

Do I pack up and try and live a life at home, near my family and friends? Do I try and make a life where I am? When you are filled with longing for something, and you actually get your hearts desire, where does that obsession go to, what do you focus on now? I am just as alone in my choice making now as I ever was, and as people all around me seem to be moving on in a emotional rather than physical way, I feel lost in a myriad of ways.

I suppose that I do with cities that other people do with boyfriends. The relationship you are in is not going well, so you remember how the ex treated you, how he was so much better than the current boyfriend. One city not working? Remeber how fabulous that other one was, the sunsets, the food, the feeling of Sunday mornings some-where else must have better than the Sunday mornings here.

I must be the most ungrateful person in the world, to still be seeking something when I have loved Warsaw, adored Paris and been given the chance to explore Budapest. Maybe I gave something up too easily when I should have held on, but how could I know that at the time?

Whatever happens in the next few months, the next couple of precious years, it must be between me and myself. I never wanted to drag my insecurities and issues onto the blog, and yet I often find myself revealing more than I intended. Time for a break, it might be a long one.

In the chair

So, I had to leave school a little bit early to get to the dentist, which is in the VIII distrct in Pest. It is not too far from home, so I knew I could crawl home pretty quick when it was all over. I found that address that had been written down for me and found that it was actually an apartment building. I made my way upstarirs to find that my new dentist works from a converted part of her apartment. This didn't panic me though as it all looked highly professional and she was very friendly.

One and a half hours, and one filling later I escaped, and even felt confident enough to make another appointment for next week. I usually avoid the dentist like the plague and have only had one trip in the last 10 years. I need to get all sorted while I am in Budapest as the fact is that I simply cannot afford dental treatment in the UK, that is if I could find a dentist which had any free space on their books anyway.

So I left numb, dribbling and 9000 HUF lighter (about 30 quid), but happy that as a 'grown up' I know that somethings might be painful, but they have to be done.

Away

Warsaw finished a few days ago and since then I have been happily back in Budapest just trying desperately to catch up on my sleep. As usual, I have been too lazy to sort out my photos from the trip, but I will do so one day very soon. Going to Warsaw was a pretty strange trip, being in my old school, but with my new students, with staff from Budapest, chatting to old friends from Warsaw.

If they say that life is made up of a series of defining moments, I think I saw one flash by my eyes while I was there. Something occured to me that I would never have imagined, but I feel a whole lot better for it anyway.

Life continues to be very busy here and I have my first trip to the Budapest Opera on Friday night. My first trip to a Hungarian dentist on Thursday, and a lovely long weekend to recover from the lack of sleep and the mad week. The weather is getting hotter and hotter and I just can't wait for the summer this year.

Warsaw bound

I'm not packed, my flat looks like a tip and I have not packed. I'm going to Warsaw tomorrow and I have loads to do, but it should be a great trip. I get to see K and N and the little baby and do some Warsaw shopping, see you all in a few days!

Marrakech photo flash part 3

Yorkshire accents

It was all I could think about. My city, the small one where every-one has a Yorkshire accent and we used to get annoyed about being stuck behind groups of school children in the summer. The one where we would go to Meltons Too on a Sunday for brunch or have drinks on a Friday night at the White Swan. The one where every-one understands me and I understand every-one. I would be a local, something that has alluded me for five years now. That feeling of belonging that sometimes feels like everything now that it is gone.

I came back to the city where I now live. The big one, where every word is exotic and sometimes I lose the words I want to say and end up smiling but frustrated. The one where the buildings and streets tell stories and the people remember things from the past all too well. This is the city that I chose, or the one that fate chose for me. This city is bright, and my feelings for it seem to be brightening too. As the sun shines stronger and stronger each day, I see possibilities clearer and clearer.

I find that my two cities are no longer vying for attention in my head, the small one has become quiet and the one where I live has become loud. Maybe Budapest was never the problem, it was just the lack of natural light that meant I was never able to see properly. As I prepare to go back to one of my favourite cities, I find that I will be very happy indeed to come back to the one that I found, or the one that found me.

Flowers in the window

It's raining outside but I got a lift home, so no complaining from me. D said that she will help me get my free chair upholstered, so I am very pleased about that. Things at work seem to be mega busy, but I like the kids that I work with and every-one seems well rested and ready to work. I have loads of bills to pay and have to get my tooth fixed as it cracked while I was in Marrakech so I will be experiencing a Hungarian dentist for the first time, which is a bit nerve wracking but has to be done.

I am off to Warsaw next week on a school trip, which seems a little strange. Going back to my old school, but with students and staff from my current one. I am always happy at the thought of touching down at Chopina airport, it makes me feel like going home and I get to stock up on kielbasa and Krupnik and practise my Polish. I hope that the staff realise that my language skills are pretty basic!

This first week back at school after the holidays has been tiring, but I feel like I have had a real break, a proper holiday. Everything is ticking along nicely as we make our final descent into the summer.